Parenting On The Outside

Thirteen years into parenthood, I'll admit I don't give World Prematurity Day much of a thought. I really can't explain why; I think there came a point in life where my eyes shifted forward in focus with life. If you know me, you know I'm someone who has a difficult time sitting still. So much of life demands of me to be in the now be it work or family.

Reading Dr. Jen Gunter's article today in the New York Times really forced me to stop for a moment and honestly have a good cry. 

I used to work at a high-end kids boutique that had a secondary location a few doors down devoted to baby stuff. One day we were all discussing the fact that the baby store made three times the amount of sales than the kids shop. The question was raised as to why this was the way it was. An employees response has stuck with me for so many years. In the baby store, you're selling the dream while in the kids shop it's a parental view of "how much is this going to set me back?". I mean, I get it! Life functions in this linear sort of format as to how our expectations are to go when it comes to parenthood. 

When life takes a different trajectory, the understanding of others who have been raised on certain parameters in their definition of social norms goes straight out the window. I'm going to be real with you, this is one reason why I've developed a hatred for baby showers. Not at all because I for some reason mourn what might have been. My life given its complexities is pretty damn amazing. My kid is incredible. It's how you get spoken to when you bring with you a small babe to someone's shower. I remember being asked about our medical experiences, then in the same breath that person cracking what they thought was a joke. "So what sort of drugs were you smoking when you were pregnant?". I failed to see the humor. 

Subsequent showers were forever a reminder that in the eyes of others that in their mind, I had a faulty experience with my entry into motherhood. While some details of motherhood weren't without their complexities, I still had things I could contribute as a support to new moms. Any attempts to offer advice were always met with looks of sympathy in my direction which spoke little other than, "Awe, she tries so hard to be one of us.".

While many preemies have relatively uncomplicated outcomes, I find myself reminded today that ongoing or "chronic" complexity has not yet arrived in the dialogues of many people. We still see health as a binary entity where you are either sick or you are well. There is no middle ground and that can be terribly isolating. When someone's life encamps somewhere in the middle, we don't know what to say or do. In many cases it's just easier to make a hasty escape.

Life is complicated, messy, beautiful and in some cases tragic. When we hesitate to acknowledge all of the in-betweens and forget to hold space for one another, we are missing out on a full understanding of what it means to be human. As the good Doc said in the article linked above, we need to get better at talking about all the angles when it comes to prematurity. 

Because this is where it starts. Step one. You either become a part of the community of support, or you watch from the sidelines and miss time with some amazing kids.